Welcome Guest. Please Login or Register. Dec 24, 2009, 12:01pm
Irelands Window Forum, for all that wish to express a point of view, contribute any stories, news, pictures, events, contact friends, or leave a post on the message board... Everyone is welcome...enjoy. Return To Donegal Friends Home Return To Ireland's Window Home
A duck walks into a pub « Result #2 on May 24, 2007, 6:48am »
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck". "I see your eyes are working", replies the duck. "And you talk!" exclaims the barman. "I see your ears are working", says the duck, "Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?" "Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?" "I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck. Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town. The Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to Him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!". "Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!" "Yeah?" says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?" "At the circus", says the barman. "The circus?" the duck enquires. "That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires. "Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned. "Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck. "That's right!" says the barman. The duck looks confused.
male mentality... « Result #3 on Apr 25, 2007, 9:04pm »
A typical English 20 something, having split from his latest girlfriend, decided to take a holiday. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed from the other side of the island. I landed here when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree"
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron. I used that for tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says
After a few minutes of rowing, she docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," he blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Pina Colada?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they have exchanged their stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom cabinet."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet, a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but vines, strategically positioned, and smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've been out here for many months. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for?" She stares into his eyes ..
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean . " he swallows excitedly
aNtS BiKER Boy..NoW 18... « Result #4 on Nov 14, 2006, 8:30pm »
Need 4 Speed..Biker Nut... Ants 18
hEY bIkER nUT ! *** Just a little birthday wish for U2.. thats you as well !! Just in case of some confusion... It is hard to believe you are now 18, all grown up ! Physcially, yes ! but..unsure about mentally, yet !! I jest of course.. you are the finest & I will except monthly payments for the twenty Koi carp you murdered !!! & we will over look the table you broke, the mountain of beer bottles, girls panties every where & the loss of my bank card !! I promise I will never mention this again.. just between You and me !! OK.. so now I can laugh !! Hey Ants, all joking aside, you are the best & I wish you a very Happy Birthday love always R xx
James Young.. BirthdaY dUdE !!! « Result #5 on Nov 14, 2006, 7:42pm »
James Young.. BirthdaY dUdE !!!
Happy Birthday..wee man !! Not so small anymore.. "I know", but a great little man you are. All my love and best wishes.. still havnt decided what to get you...it will be a surprise !! Well you asked for it ! Love always R. xx
Clocks & Lies... « Result #6 on Oct 6, 2006, 7:34pm »
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
" Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's Bertie Ahern's clock?" asked the man. "His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a fan."
Driving Joke « Result #7 on Oct 2, 2006, 10:58pm »
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car-both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh, am I driving?"
Hear Ye, Hear Ye,..Class 1981 Reunion.. « Result #8 on Oct 2, 2006, 8:23pm »
Hi there Raymondo How's the form?? Have a wee notice for the web site, our (Abbey Vocational School) 20 year school reunion is planned for Friday 29th December 06 in Doms Pier One at 9.30pm. This applies to anyone who was in first year in 1981, did their leaving cert in 1986 and anyone who attended and maybe left early in between these dates. There will be an 80s disco and food served all for the great price of €15 per person, all partners welcome. This email address can be used for anyone who wants to contact me but be sure to put Siobhan (Meehan) Coughlan otherwise not a one will know who it is!! Be sure now and give it a good old plug for us on the Donegal Friends site and we'll tell all on the night to check out the site too. Ta very much Siobhan Contact for more info: Siobhan Coughlan(Meehan) ticketyboo3@hotmail.com
Fact !!!...latest research « Result #9 on Sept 26, 2006, 2:05pm »
It has been revealled that the latest research shows more money is now spent on boob jobs and viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040 the elderly will all have perky tits and stiff cocks, but absolutely no idea why...
Vertically Challanged... « Result #11 on Sept 26, 2006, 1:15pm »
Two very Little men go into a bar, where they pick up two "Ladies of the night", and take them to their separate hotel rooms. The first little man, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.
In the morning, the second little man asks the first, "How did it go?" The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."
The second little man shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"
Joke Of The Day.... « Result #12 on Sept 26, 2006, 10:00am »
A blonde man comes home from work and hears moaning and screaming from the bedroom. So he goes upstairs and finds his wife lying on the bed naked, sweaty, and panting. He asked her what was wrong and she said, "I'm having a heartattack" so he runs downstairs to call 911 when one of his little kids comes to him and says, "daddy,daddy uncle bob's hiding in the closet naked." The furious blond man goes back upstairs and sure enough he finds his naked brother in the closet and says to him, "you son-of-a-bitch, my wife's having a heartattack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!"
A man walks into a bar with a monkey.. « Result #13 on Sept 25, 2006, 11:23pm »
A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball. The bartender said "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" the man left. Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it" The bartender said " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?" The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"
Three Eskimos & the coldest igloo... « Result #14 on Sept 25, 2006, 11:13pm »
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT"
Three Fruits « Result #15 on Sept 25, 2006, 10:48pm »
Three men were trying to rob a bank, when they were shot and killed.
God comes down to them and said, "I will give all three of you the chance to live, and you get one final chance to steal something."
The men all agreed. They were willing to do anything to live.
God says to them, "Go to the fruit market down the street and steal three fruit of any kind. Then come back here and I will tell you what to do."
The first man came back, carrying 3 cherries. God says to him, "If you can put all 3 cherries up your butt without making a face, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell."
The man puts 2 cherries up his butt, but as he is sticking the third one inside he makes a grunting face. God snaps his fingers and sends the man to hell.
The second man came back carrying three apples. God says to him, "If you can stick all three of those apples up your butt, I will give you your life back. If not, you are going to hell.
So the man sticks 2 apples up his butt. But when he puts the third one inside, he starts laughing hysterically.
God says to him, "You have made a face, and now you will go to hell, but I'm curious...why did you start laughing?"
And the man said then, "Cuz Larry is coming back, and he stole 3 watermelons."
Ventriloquist & the Villager... « Result #17 on Sept 24, 2006, 10:58pm »
A ventriloquist visiting A remote part of Ireland walks into a small village and sees a local sitting in his porch patting his dog. He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the man
Can I talk to your dog?"
Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."
Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"
Dog: "Doing all right."
Villager: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Dog: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Villager: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either.... I think."
Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Cool"
Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)
Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)
Horse: "Yep"
Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Villager: (total look of amazement)
Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"
A Man Goes Hunting One Day... « Result #18 on Sept 24, 2006, 10:54pm »
A man goes hunting one day and shoots a rabbit, but on his way to grab it a big bear yanks it up, eats it, thens runs into the woods.
The hunter chases after it but to no avail. Suddenly he feels a tapping on his shoulder, turns to hear the bear say pull down your pants, the frightened man does what hes told and gets raped violently.
Afterwards the hunter says to himself "I'll get that damn bear if its the last thing i do."
The following day he goes hunting again and sees the bear. He shoots at it then runs to see if he got him, after searching for 5 minutes he suddenly feels a tapping on his shoulder and hears "Pull down your pants."
After being raped again he returns home and says "That damn bear I'm going to destroy him."
After going hunting for him the next day and being raped once again the hunter decides he has had enough, takes an A-K-47 out of the closet goes to the forest and starts shooting at the bear, but realizes he missed again, then feels a tapping on his shoulder and hears "Your not in it for the hunting anymore are you........"
![[Home]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/home.gif)
![[Help]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/help.gif)
![[Search]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/search.gif)
![[Calendar]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/calendar.gif)
![[Login]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/login.gif)
![[Register]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/menu/register.gif)
![[Search This Thread]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/search2.gif)
![[Reply]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/reply.gif)
![[Send Topic To Friend]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/sendtopic.gif)
![[Print]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/print.gif)
Author
![[Quote]](http://s1.images.proboards.com/buttons/quote.gif)
Logged
![[image]](http://www.2wallpaper.com/weirdspot/sexy_girl_motorbike.jpg)
![[image]](http://i74.photobucket.com/albums/i247/mike_ockisard/sexy_cyclist.jpg)
![[image]](http://3gold.com/pictures/funny-cat-pictures/20.jpg)
